Diamond Fists Redux
by ReturnToJohto
Summary: Diamond and Pearl are two arrogant boys leading somewhat normal lives in Twinleaf Town that get called to action when several factions begin to threaten the Sinnoh region's safety. Follow the adventures of these two goofballs in this new adventure filled with action, mystery, colorful characters, and strange odors. Rated for language. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
1. Letters and Feathers

Dear Diamond,

Happy birthday! Or happy belated birthday, I should say. I'm guessing that by the time this letter reaches you it will be about three months after your birthday. Normally it wouldn't take that long but I'm not in Sinnoh right now. It probably didn't help that I didn't remember to send this out until a week _after _your birthday... Oopsie! I'll admit, total gaffe on my part, my bad. Oh well, what's done is done. Anyway, right now, as I'm writing this, Father and I are in the Johto region on some top secret, hush-hush Hunter's Guild business and we probably won't be back for a few months. I wish we could come back sooner but I don't need to tell you how these things tend to drag on longer than unexpected, am I right? Oh well, it can't be helped. I'm hoping that we'll be back in Sinnoh by the time this letter reaches you. Maybe we'll even stop by Twinleaf Town and pay you and your mom a visit before we head back to the Iron Islands.

So how are you doing little brother? I'm doing marvelously, as per usual. But then again, it's pretty hard not to feel marvelous when you live a life like mine. Honestly Diamond, I still don't understand why you chose to give all of this up, I really don't. I'm sure being a civilian has its perks. I don't know what they _are_ but I'm sure it does. But just think about all of the adventures you could be having with Father and me! Sure, you're liable to lose a finger or two when you pal around with us but what's a digit compared to endless thrills and debauchery? Nothing, that's what. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a no good, limp wristed, teat suckling nerd as far as I'm concerned. Excluding you, of course.

That reminds me, I have an urgent message from Father to give you. It seems like this little "vacation" of yours is going to end soon. I know this must sound like a broken record to you at this point but he wants you to come back to Iron Island to complete your training. He means serious business this time. The words "effective immediately" and "no excuses" were used. He even banged his fist on the table once. Shit was crazy. Now before you get uppity and throw this letter away like the others (don't act like you don't, I already know that you do), there's a sense of urgency to it this time around and there are a few things need explaining. As in, _i__mperative as fuck_ things. So take a deep breath, un-bunch those panties, sit your ass back down, and keep reading jerk.

Okay. Any reasonable minded person could see that Father does an amazing job as Sinnoh's Huntsmaster. But due to a series of recent... unfortunate deaths in the line of duty, some of the lesser Hunters are beginning to doubt his leadership. I'm not at liberty to tell you how many deaths there have been, just know that it was enough to spread malaise and dissension in our ranks. Every Hunter worth his salt knows that dying on the job is always a real possibility for us but try telling that to the idiots we have left. Now if anyone so much as stubs their toe it's somehow Father's fault. Those troglodytes love to nitpick and debate him on every decision he makes and it's all getting to be a bit too much. Father needs something to defuse the tensions around here and that, dear brother, is where you come in.

You see, you've become one of the biggest points of contention around here since you left three years ago. I'm sure you're aware of this already but not everyone was happy about your decision to leave. Many of them took it as a sign of weakness on Father's part unfortunately. After all, it's not every day that the Huntsmaster lets his heir break the oath to live amongst the cake eaters. These days Father can't go two sentences without someone dropping your name into the conversation as if you're the main issue here when you're really not. Do you see where I'm going with this? Father thinks that he'll win some kind of spiritual victory A Huntsmaster shouldn't have to cater to this level of bullshit but if it will give Father some supporters back then so be it. Them's the breaks, kiddo. It's time to quit hiding and finally embrace your destiny, little brother. I know this news must be heart-wrenching for you. If you need something to cry into, I left some tissues in the presents I sent you.

Hey, since I'm a bad ass at making segues, let's talk about your presents. You've noticed them by now, right? There should be two of them. Hopefully my messenger didn't drop them on the way over there, he's a bit... absentminded. Anyway, since we're unmanned and overworked right now, we can't send anyone to Twinleaf Town to come get you. As such, we're counting on you to make the journey to the Iron Islands on your own (don't even think about staying home, we'll know if you do). The presents I sent you are meant to both incentivise and help you on your new journey. I'm not going to tell you what's in them (where's the fun in that?) but I have a feeling that you're going to _love_ them.

In closing, please come back to us Diamond. Don't think that this isn't all about politics; Father and I miss you very much. Especially me. I know that we didn't exactly part on good terms (understatement of the century, I know) but I'm willing to bury the hatchet as long as you are. And no, I'm not being facetious, duplicitous, a "flippant two-faced bitch" or anything else that that cute, little, paranoid head of yours can come up with. I really do miss you, little brother. Write back soon!

Hugs and Kisses,

Sharon

"What a load of bullshit," I grumbled. More Hunter's crap, just as I had expected. You would think that they would give up on me after three years. I don't know why I thought this time would be any different; Sharon never sent me anything unless she could harangue me with more Hunter's crap. With disdainful curiosity I flipped the page to see if there was anything written on the other side.

P.S. Do you like the Murkrow that I sent to deliver your letter? His name's Preston! Isn't he a cutie? You can keep him if you like. He could help you on your journey!

P.S.S. No, seriously, keep him. I can't fucking take it anymore.

"Oh no..." I groaned.

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!" Preston squawked as he continued to flail around and destroy everything in my room, just as he had been doing since the moment he got here. I had somehow managed to block out Preston's antics while I was reading the letter but the mere mention of him had made me conscious to his bullshit as sharply as if someone had violently slapped me awake.

I buried my face in my hands. I was having such a peaceful day until Preston showed up. I had been typing up an article for my blog, feeling right the fuck at ease, until this lunatic flew through my open window with a letter in his beak, two gift boxes strapped to his feet, and a desire to thrash around the room like each of his limbs was having it's own separate seizure. I had spent the last hour trying to make him fly away or, at the very least, calm the fuck down and stop breaking my stuff but only ended up with scratches on my arms and a mouth full of feathers for my troubles. I figured that it was best to just ignore him until I could figure out how to get rid of him. Well, _tried_ to ignore him anyway; his squawking was like having a screaming baby in one ear and a revving chainsaw in the other.

Desperate to get my mind off of Preston's batshittery, I balled up Sharon's letter and turned my attention to her presents. One of the boxes was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand and wrapped in plain blue wrapping paper while the other was two feet long and, for whatever reason, was wrapped in dirty, yellowed newspapers. I picked up the smaller one first, mostly because I didn't want to touch the other one.

"Let's see what she sent this ti- Oh hell no," I said as I opened the box to find an Ultra Ball sitting snugly in the center atop a cushion of what looked to be used tissues. I didn't know why I was surprised; this wasn't the first time she had sent me Pokemon from her collection in transparent attempts to get me back into Pokemon training and, by extension, Pokemon hunting. Irritably, I put the lid back on the box and slid it under my bed. My hope was that if I left the ball unopened long enough the Pokemon inside would eventually die of starvation. Cruel? Yeah, but I wasn't about to take any chances here. Unfortunately for me, her idea for a new starter Pokemon for me was usually along the lines of "rabid Mightyena" or "stab-happy Beedrill" or "explosively flatulent Weezing".

I picked up the letter and the other present and dumped them in the waste basket I kept in the corner of the room. I didn't care what was in the other present anymore, it was probably going to be just as awful and dangerous as anything else she's ever sent me. Our dad may have wanted me back but I knew for a fact that Sharon didn't. That stupid, sickly sweet, overly saccharine tone she used in her letters wasn't fooling anybody. I knew that she still hated me just as much as I hated her. Why else would she repeatedly pretend to be helping me and then send me murderous Pokemon unless she wanted me dead? There are Siamese Twins that aren't as two-faced as my sister. If I had a dollar for every time she had been _genuinely _nice to me, I'd have a nickel. I was contemplating whether or not it would be safer to take both presents out back and set them on fire when I heard a crash on the floor behind me. I spun around to find Preston perched on my dresser, callously knocking over my My Little Ponyta figurines... that I kept for ironic purposes. _Strictly_ ironic purposes.

"That does it," I growled. By God, if anyone was going to destroy my totally-rad-and-manly-and-_so_-not-for-girls My Little Ponyta collectables for men, it was going to be me. I crouched down until my face was level with Preston's, who was too preoccupied with being a feathery, brain-dead asshole to even notice my presence. I gripped him by the brim of his weird, built-in hat, turned his head to face me, glared right into his beady, little eyes, and said, "Preston. On the count of three I'm going to kill you with my bare hands. It will be slow. It will painful. And it will be oh so merciless. Don't think that I won't do it either. I was trained to do _exactly that_ not too long ago... That window," I said, gesturing to the window on the wall behind me, "is your only means for escape. Unless you're fond of ruthless ass whoopings, I strongly suggest you take it. You have been warned Preston."

We stared at each other for a moment, neither of us making a sound. He blinked at me absentmindedly for a second and then glanced over my shoulder at the window. For one fleeting, glorious moment, I thought he was going to actually listen to me and fly away... until he turned away from me and continued his idiocy spasms unabated.

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!" he cried, knocking over the rest of my My Little Stopjudgingmefuckyou dolls. I sighed and turned my back to him.

"You brought this on yourself Preston. One..." I glanced over my shoulder to see if he had reacted at all. He didn't. Shocker. "...I own a pair of brass knuckles Preston. Just saying."

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Two... Seriously, this beating's gonna be insane. Not to brag or anything but my aptitude for fisticuffs is ridiculous. _Totes_ ridiculous. I'm seeing crazy roundhouse kicks and sweet elbow drops in your future Preston. You better run while you still can. Like right now... Literally right now. Leave. Get out. _Do it_."

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Two and a half..."

"Krow krow krow-"

"...Two and three quarters..."

"Krow-"

"Threeeeeeeeeeeee-" I screeched as I pretended to attack him with a karate chop. "-eeeeeeeeeeeooooooooohhhhhhh screw it..." I said, leaving my hand hovering an inch above his beak. I was hoping he would get scared at the last second and fly away but the little bastard didn't even flinch. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. "Fine. Well played. You called my bluff Preston, well done. I commend you for your bravery in the face of-SNEAK ATTACKS!" I yelled, shadowboxing halfheartedly at his face. When that didn't work either, I said, "Am I dead? Am I in hell right now? I'm in hell, aren't I?"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Shut up."

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"_Shut up right now_."

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Shut up shut up shut up shut up-I can do it too asshole-shut up shut shut up shut up shut up-"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you-"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow-"

"DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE-"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!"

"Ugh!" I said, plopping down onto my bed in defeat. My face was hot, my throat was sore from screaming like an idiot, and my head was pounding from a burgeoning migraine. I pulled a pillow over my face in a vain attempt to block out the noise and the pain. But Preston was adamant in his quest to be the biggest piece of shit in the room. The pillow did nothing to block the squawking and every utterance of 'krow!' felt like a pistol whip to the brain. "Okay. I'll bite," I said in deadpan resignation as I threw the pillow away. "What will it take for you to leave me alone?"

To my surprise, Preston stopped squawking and turned his head towards me so sharply that it made me flinch. He flew the short distance between my dresser and my computer table and hopped onto my printer. He pulled a piece of paper out of it with his beak and placed it in the center of my desk. He looked up at me and gave me a jaunty 'krow!' before, without warning, pecking a fist sized hole into my desk and sticking his head through it.

"What the hell are you doing?" I screamed, rushing towards the desk.

"Krow!" he replied merrily as he pulled his head back out with a pen in his beak. I pulled at a handful of my hair as I stared blankly at him with my jaw dropped in exasperation.

"Mom's going to kill me... I can't even... You see this?" I asked as I opened and closed the drawer that the pen was in. "This is what we humans call a drawer. We open these to get what we want so we DON'T HAVE TO EVISCERATE THE FURNITURE EVERY TIME WE WANT A GOD DAMN- I'm explaining the concept of drawers to a Murkrow," I said, realizing the absurdity and uselessness of the situation. Completely unfazed by my outburst, Preston placed the pen next to the sheet of paper and pointed at it with his wing.

"Krow."

"No."

"Krow!"

"Go to hell bird. I know what you're trying to do and you can forget it. I'm not gonna write back to that devil-beast and there's nothing you can-" He pecked two more giant holes into the wood. "...You're a piece of shit Preston. Give me the damn pen..."

"Murkrow!" he exclaimed happily as he placed the pen in my outstretched hand. I pulled out my chair and as I sat down, Preston flew up and perched himself on my shoulder.

"You owe me a new desk..." I grumbled as I began to write.

Dear Incredibitch,

"MuuuurrrrrKRRRROOOOOWWWWW-

"Okay, okay, I'm changing it! Happy now?"

Dear Sharon,

My heart goes out to the all the Hunters that have died. Truly. You people may be fucked in the head but I know that at least some of you are well intentioned. But that doesn't mean I'll be joining you fucks anytime soon. I have plenty of business to take care of my own, thank you very much. You see, while you were out adventuring, I was taken in by the exciting world of internet journalism. I now maintain a blog called the Diamond in the Rough (sweet name, I know) where I review cutting edge music and obscure movies. I also expound my opinions on topics that pique my interest for the nescient masses. I am a Miltank, the masses are my wisdom starved charges, and my blog is the gross, protruding teat that dispenses piping hot enlightenment into their fervently sucking lips.

I'm kind of a big fucking deal is what I'm saying. Them's the breaks, sicko. If you want to cry about it then please refrigerate your tears so I that I may imbibe with them gleeful abandon at a later date.

Besides, having me back wouldn't solve anything. I was a terrible Hunter to begin with, don't you remember? Of course you do. You never let me forget it when we were training together. Your real problem is that you're undermanned, right? Well, if you need more violent psychopaths for your brigade of violent psychopaths wouldn't it make more sense to, I don't know, recruit some actual violent psychopaths? That just seems like common sense to me. But then again, considering that y'all are still arguing over something that happened three years ago while all of your friends are dying, maybe common sense just comes more naturally to me then you people.

And it's not like Sinnoh has a shortage of crazies these days either. I'm sure you've heard of Team Galactic, they've been all over the news lately. If you haven't, they're these space terrorist assholes that go around stealing electricity and other people's Pokemon. No one really knows what they want but I like to think that they're just a bunch of misguided nerds trying to get Star Slog back on the air. If that's the case, more power to them. That show was the bomb diggity. On the other hand, we have the Othersiders or whatever the fuck they're called. They're this glorified street gang that showed up out of nowhere and started terrorizing Sandgem Town of all places. Most of them are just dumb, low level thugs but I their leader's supposed to be this really scary dude who shows up in the middle of the night and abducts people from their houses without a trace. Personally, I don't believe the rumors but the idea of having someone like that so close to Twinleaf Town is a little unsettling...

You know what? Forget I said (wrote?) anything. The last thing Sinnoh needs is for Team Galactic, the Hunters and the Otherfuckers to team up. Stay the fuck away from the mainland.

Oh, and the next time you send me a letter, send it with a messenger that isn't batshit up the rookery. Or better yet, send me an e-mail like someone who wasn't raised in a cave. I know that might be difficult for you since you actually _were_ raised in a cave but you're an intelligent little sociopath, I'm sure you'll figure it out eventually. I believe in you. But do you know what would be _even bette_r than an e-mail? You never contacting me again. Because, if it _somehow_ isn't clear by now dear sister, I hate your guts.

With Spite and Vitriol,

Diamond

P.S. You're unattractive.

"Murkrow!" Preston cried happily as I finished. I rolled up the new letter and put it in his beak. He hopped back onto the desk and gave me an awkward salute with his wing. "Murkrow!"

"Yeah, yeah, don't make a show out of it. Get out of here already you little-" Before I even finished my sentence, Preston darted off the table and instead of going through the open portion of the window, smashed through the glass instead. "Why? Why would you do that? I-Just-God damn it!" I said, shaking my head in defeat. I looked around my room; it looked like a miniature tornado swept through it. Black feathers, wood chips, broken glass, books flung from their shelves, perfectly good My Little Ponyta memorabilia on the floor- this was going to take forever to clean up. "Fuck it..." I grumbled. Dealing with Sharon and Preston had completely drained me of energy. It was only six in the afternoon but it felt like midnight. Stepping over the rubble, I flopped face first onto my bed and immediately fell asleep.

* * *

Author's Note

Howdy! Welcome to Diamond Fists Redux. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I know in the last chapter of the original Diamond Fists that I wouldn't be writing for this site anymore but you can't keep a good shitty author down for long! I ended the old Diamond Fists very abruptly because I was dissatisfied with the plot, some of the characters, and numerous other things. That's why I've decided to make a "re-imagining" of the old story instead of a straight up, beat for beat, remake, hence the redux in the title. Since this is a re-imagining, I'm going to be taking some elements from the old story like characters and certain plot points but I'll also be putting new twists on them and if you've already read the original story that should be plenty evident already. If you're a new reader, hey there! In case you haven't realized it by now, just because his name is Diamond doesn't mean that he's the same Diamond from the manga. Where the manga Diamond is a happy-go-lucky glutton, mine is an ornery, hipster douche bag. I mean, come on. Berets with scarves? How are you _not_ a hipster? Also, it doesn't matter if you haven't read the old one. I would prefer that you didn't read it all actually since I'm hoping that this will be a superior story. Here's hoping I don't screw it up this time!

Cheers!


	2. Bidoofs with Swag

Twinleaf Town is an alright place to live. As far as boring, secluded border towns in the ass end of nowhere go, you could do worse. Not much crime, not much shenanigans, not much of anything really. We've got a nice ass lake though. I dare you to find a more pristine lake than ours. You can't do it can you? That's what I thought. Anyway, the people around here are a mixed bag. Most of the adults are mild mannered folk who live life slow and are content with spending all their free time gossiping behind each other's backs. All the kids and teenagers, however, are either rowdy, obnoxious, self absorbed or any combination of the three. But like I said, you could do much worse. Let's see... We also have some nice... trees, I guess? Evergreens and what not... Hmm, what else is there to talk about... Oh yeah. There is one other thing that sets Twinleaf Town apart...

The place is _straight stupid_ with Bidoof.

The Bidoof have been the unofficial mascots/rulers of Twinleaf Town for as long as I can remember. You can't go a day without stepping on at least five of them. With wanton disrespect of our way of life, they scurry freely through the streets, they crawl up the sides of houses, they chew up our gardens, and we just sit back and let it all happen. The townspeople have tried dozens of times to get rid of them. But the Bidoof... ahem... _propagate_ much faster then anyone can catch/kill in the name of righteous vengeance. Eventually they decided that if the Bidoof weren't going to leave, the town should at least make some money off of them. Every year we hold the, and I shit you not, Annual Bidoof Celebration Festival, where we sell Bidoof themed merchandise to anyone stupid enough to come to a Bidoof themed festival. Normal towns get rid of their vermin and roadkill but we throw them a God damn party. It's an all too surreal experience.

"You have until the count of _right God damn now _to get down from there or I will destroy you!" I yelled up at the twenty or so Bidoof currently lounging in my house's rain gutter like the corpulent pieces of shit that they were. I rarely dealt with these bastards but one of them had chewed a hole through the roof and ended up falling into our toilet. And since Mom was too busy doing mom shit to do it herself, the task of "de-doofing" the house had fallen to me.

Unsurprisingly, the Bidoof ignored my ravings and continued to roll around in my filthy rain gutter. I needed to use a different tactic. "Preston! Preston, where are you?" I called. "I could use some help here!"

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Sharon's idiot Murkrow was back and it looked like he was here to stay. Three days after I had sent him away, I woke up in the middle of the night to him destroying my room again. This time he came carrying a tiny note with the Sinnoh Hunter's Guild's sigil on it- a stylized eye with a triangle made up of seven smaller triangles instead of an iris. It meant that I was marked for death. Sharon was just being melodramatic; she and I both knew that no one was coming to kill me. I could tell right away that it was just a last ditch effort to try to scare me into going back to the Iron Islands. What kind of gullible, nose picking, shitting-in-his-pants-as-we-speak moron does she take me for?

No. Even _she's_ smarter than that. I think that she knew from the beginning that the sigil was never going to scare me and that she only sent Preston back just to have the last laugh. At first her little scheme had worked; prized possessions were scattered, furniture was destroyed and many ridiculous, interspecies shouting matches were had. I raged, I cried, I had an aneurysm. But it's okay now. I (almost) had Preston's batshittery down to a science.

After spending the past fortnight together, I finally figured out how to work around Preston's neurosis. You see, when it comes to delivering letters, Preston is like one of those crackheaded cereal mascots. This bitch _needs _to deliver a letter or two every day or he will completely lose his shit. I figured out that I could placate him by letting him deliver little inconsequential notes to my mom and my friend Pearl every day. He's actually pretty chill after he got his daily fix of postal service. Nowadays when he's not being an annoying piece of shit he's either sleeping on my head or creepily watching me from afar as I go about my business. Don't get me wrong, he's still a fucking lunatic (he won't stop eating the God damn kitchen sponges) but the important thing was that I could finally get him to be _quiet_.

"Preston! Where are you, you stupid little...Fine, forget you then. I can take care of these doofuses all by myself!" I said as I began my awkward ascent up the rain gutter's downspout. It didn't occur to me until much later that I could have just used a ladder but I wasn't thinking straight at the time. I was too annoyed with the fact that these _fat, impudent fucks_ had forced me to go outside for the first time in a week to start thinking rationally. With my feet planted against the wall and my arms clinging to the downspout like a frightened koala, I stopped to catch my breath halfway between the house's first and second stories.

"I need to get back in shape..." I muttered, trying my best not to look down.

"Bidoof?"

"Huh?" While I wasn't looking, one of the Bidoof had climbed over the side of the gutter and halfway down the downspout and was now staring at me with curiosity. Nonplussed, I said, "Um... Hi? OH GOD!" I screamed as the Bidoof latched onto my face without warning. "PRESTON HELP ME! KILL IT! KILL IT NOW!"

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!" I heard Preston screech from behind the house.

"Over here Preston! Get this thing off of- Ouch! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Preston had come to my aid like I had asked but, in his overzealousness, he thought that helping me meant pecking at both the Bidoof and my head indiscriminately. "GOD DAMN IT, STOP HELPING ME! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU AVIAN SACK OF SHIT!" I yelled, blindly trying swat him away. Infuriated, I reeled my head back and slammed it forward as hard as I could, crushing the Bidoof against the downspout in the process.

"Bidooooof..." It whimpered before going and limp and sliding off my face, falling to the ground below.

"Ha! That's what you get for trying to mess with- PRESTON STOP IT! IT'S OVER ALREADY!" I yelled after he gave me a series of painful pecks to the side of my face. I slid down the downspout and stumbled a bit when my feet touched the ground. The combination of pecking, vertigo, and unsolicited Bidoof hugs had left me a little disoriented...

"Krow!" Preston said merrily as he took roost on my shoulder.

"Remind me to never ask you for your help again... _Ever_." I looked down at the Bidoof I just knocked out and looked back up at the ones still sun tanning in my rain gutter. One down, ninety fucking trillion to go. There was no way I was going to do this on my own. I was too non-threatening to them and Preston was too unreliable and dumber than a sack of dumb guys to be any real help.

"Man, where the hell is Pearl? He was supposed to be here a half hour ago, that fucking flake..." Pearl and that Staravia of his could easily get rid of the Bidoof, what with him being the self proclaimed "Best Trainer in Twinleaf Town" and all. He probably forgot all about helping me and slinked off battle somebody or flirt with some girls or other such frivolous nonsense. "Come on Preston, let's see if this idiot's home..."

I didn't have to walk that far since we lived right next to each other but that didn't stop me from stomping over there as dramatically as possible. I kicked open his front gate and stormed my way up to his front door. Banging on the door, I yelled, "Pearl! Get out here you scumbag, I know you're in there! These Bidoof aren't gonna de-doof themselves! If you don't come out here I'm going to kick you right in the bellend you piece of-" I was cut short when a woman with dirty blonde hair answered the door. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy and the smell of hard liquor lingered on her breath.

"Hey D-Man, I know you need to get this Bidoof problem of yours sorted out but could you keep it down? Some of us have hangovers to sleep off, you know?"

"Right, uh, sorry about that..." I said, suddenly feeling sheepish. I noticed the bottle in her free hand. "Another bad break up Angie?" She cringed a little but then gave me a wry smile and shook her head.

"Don't you worry about me little man," she said, giving me a playful punch on the shoulder. I let the fact that she spilled some of her beer on me in the process slide. "You know how these things go. I'll be over it by tomorrow..." she said, wistfully looking over my shoulder.

"Ahem!" I said after an awkward silence.

"Right, you didn't come here to get the skinny on my love life," she said, snapping out of it. "If you're looking for my boy, he's not here. One of the little neighbor boys challenged him to a Pokemon battle again. You know him, he's that little shit. The annoying chubby one? The one you and Pearl are always coming up with funny nicknames for?"

"Hungry Hungry Harold- I mean...Eugene Fritz?"

"Bingo."

"Grumbling gods, I hate that kid... Do you know where they are now?"

"I think they said that they were going to that field near the edge of town, you know the one. And when you get there, can you make sure that Pearl doesn't do anything stupid? If that Eugene kid whines to his mother again _I'll _be the one that that shrill bitch yells at. Capiche?"

"Gotcha. Thanks for the help," I said, turning to leave.

"Oh and Diamond?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you tell your mom to make those cupcakes I like? I have a feeling I'm going to need them..."

"Will do."

"You're aces kid..." she said with a yawn as she closed the door behind her.

I waited until I was a good distance away before screaming, "God fucking damn it!" Endless double dealing! A million Judas kisses! A bona fide _gaggle_ of Bidoof was tea bagging my house and Pearl was off battling some rugrat. Your best friend should take precedence, damn it! With no other option, I set a course through the suburban jungle of Twinleaf Town, making sure to kick every Bidoof I saw along the way.

* * *

I stood atop a small ridge overlooking a spacious open field where the grass grew both thick and tall. Four people stood in the center of the field. Three of them stood together on one side and were so short that it looked like they were being swallowed up by the tall grass. The one in the center was a portly little boy with wispy brown hair. I automatically knew that one was Eugene. I could tell by his fat cheeks and buck teeth- Oh. Oh God. Oh God no. I just realized that he looked like a human Bidoof.

They've gotten to our women.

It was only a matter of time.

_God help us all._

A-Anyway- Eugene was flanked by two of his usual flunkies: A skinny boy with a beanie and holding a skateboard who looked like he didn't want to be there and a squirrelly, red headed boy who looked _way_ too excited to be there. I couldn't remember their names at the moment because I honestly didn't give a fuck. Across from Eugene was a lanky, blonde haired boy who looked nearly twice their age and and a good three heads taller than them. A Staravia circled the battlefield between them, scanning the tall grasses for it's opponent from the sky. Pearl stood with arms folded and his chin raised, a confident smirk on his face.

"Had enough yet bitch boy?" he sneered.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Eugene squeaked desperately, sweat rolling down his face. "I'm just waiting for the right moment..."

"You're just stalling is what it is. We already know I'm gonna win so can we just end this charade so I can go back to giving your mom the mclovin'?" The red head guffawed stupidly at the remark but immediately stopped when Eugene turned around and glared daggers at him.

"Just shut up!" he roared, turning back to Pearl. "I'm going to beat you this time so just shut up you-

"_Just shut up!_" Pearl repeated, mimicking his voice. "_Shut up, shut up, shut up, I'm Eugene. I think I'm hot shit but when things stop going my way my voice gets shriller than a buggered eunuch, shut up, shut up, shut up_-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Gonna sing me an aria Castrato?"

"SHUT-"

"Alright, I've had enough of this farce," I said, jumping from the ridge and making everyone notice me for the first time. Walking over to him, I said, "I'm disappointed in you, Pearl."

"Huh? What did I do?"

"Hey, get out of here you asshole!" Eugene shouted. "We're having a-"

"Quiet Rotund Ralph. The adults are talking now," I said without even looking at him. "And you know exactly what I'm talking about. You were supposed to help me de-doof the place an hour ago, you vagina! While you were out playing with these kindergartners-"

"Fuck you, we're eight!" The red head piped in.

"-I was getting face fucked by a Bidoof! So what do you have to say for yourself, Pearl? Answer for my Bidoof ravaged face!" He looked confused for a moment before it finally dawned on him.

"Oh! I _knew_ I left the house for a reason today!" I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

"God damn it Pearl..."

"Sorry dude," he said, sounding genuinely apologetic. "I was going to come help you but these blood suckers showed up out of the blue and challenged me to a battle."

"So what? You don't _have _to battle every jerk off that flashes their poke balls at you, you know?"

"What? And have Swollen Sam over here telling everyone in town that I'm bitch made? The best trainer in Twinleaf Town never backs down from a scrap!" he said, thumping his chest proudly.

Trying to take advantage of Pearl's divided attention, Paunchy Pete yelled, "Bidoof, use Super Fang!"

"All Star, use Wing Attack!" Squeaking madly, Eugene's twin leapt a startling eight feet out of the tall grass, its sharp buck teeth aimed for the back of All Star's head. The Staravia spun on a dime in the air and sent the Bidoof flying straight up into the stratosphere with what could only be described as the world's featheriest bitch slap. "Swag. Now use Quick Attack!" All Star shot towards the ground like a bullet and tackled the Bidoof just before it hit the ground, sending it hurtling towards its trainer. "Now put some stank on it!" All Star kicked off the ground as hard as he could and rushed forward with another Quick Attack. Just before the Bidoof landed in front of its trainer, All Star showed up behind it and smacked it back towards Pearl. He repeated this process several times, smacking the Bidoof back and forth between Pearl and Eugene and making it look like he was playing a deranged game of ping-pong against himself. Don't get me wrong, I hate Bidoof just as much as the next guy but even I felt that this was going a bit too far.

"Okay, now you're just showing off Pearl," I said. "Just end it so we can get a move on already."

"Yeah, you're right. Let 'em down gently Stars." All Star gave the Bidoof one last, gentler slap and let it roll back to it's trainer's. It laid limply at Eugene's feet, having fainted quite some time ago. Eugene ignored his injured Pokemon and stood with his fists clenched and angry tears welling in eyes. He was giving Pearl a look of pure loathing. I could tell that he wanted to continue this, one way or another.

"You cheated..." he growled.

"Hmm? You say something Jovian Jeremy? I couldn't quite catch that."

"I said you cheated! You didn't even let Bidoof get a single hit in! I want a rematch!" Pearl gave him a look of complete exasperation.

"You are the biggest sore loser ever kid. What do you think this is? Some kind of silly turned based RPG? This is real life, baby. If your Bidoof can't get a hit in it's because _you_ didn't train it hard enough, not because I cheated. Get on my level or go home bitch! So instead of a rematch..." Before I could stop him, he stormed over to Large Larry and lifted him by the collar until their faces were level. "How about you pay me the prize money you owe me?"

"P-P-Put me down!"

"Pearl, this is so dumb," I said. "Drop him and let's get out of here already."

"Nuh uh. This pretender owes me money for the past five battles we've had and I ain't leaving until I get it. If you want to keep battling the big boys you have to play by the big boys' rules, mothersuckler."

"I don't have any-"

"Bullshit! We all know that your dad's got fat stacks. Pay up or else you candy ass faggot!" He said, rearing his fast back. Unbeknownst to Pearl, the kid with the beanie had moved behind him, his skateboard raised uncertainly over his head. Eugene caught his eye and gave him a knowing wink.

"Now Sid!"

"Pearl look out!"

Pearl dropped the fatty and turned around on the spot, only to get bashed in the face with the skateboard. I couldn't help but burst out laughing; the look on Pearl's face when he saw the skateboard coming was priceless. It got a lot less funny when Pearl recovered from the blow, surprisingly quickly I might add, and delivered a brutal haymaker right into the kid's doughy, unsuspecting face. The kid fell flat on his back and writhed on the ground, clutching his face and screaming something ungodly.

All Star let out an angry battle cry and flew after the red head and Eugene, who immediately tried to flee the scene right after Pearl got hit. They didn't even make an attempt to retrieve the Bidoof or check to see if their friend was okay. All Star caught up to them quickly and attacked them fiercely, pecking and scratching at any skin it could reach. Preston, caught up in the excitement, tore off after them and helped All Star attack the fatty and the ginger with gleeful abandon. Despite the two angry birds (well... one angry bird and one excitable dipshit) assailing them, the two kept running until they were completely out of sight. Sid picked himself up from the ground and tore off after them with tears and blood running down his face.

"Um... Wow," I said, completely floored by how quickly the situation had escalated. "Oh man... This is the type of thing that your mom sent me here to _prevent_. I mean, _Jesus_, Pearl! I think you broke that kid's nose!"

"Good!" he spat. "That's what he gets for listening to that fat fuck all the time!" He picked up the dropped skateboard and broke the cheap piece of shit over his knee. "Dude is my face bleeding? Am I still handsome?" he asked, tossing the pieces away.

"You still look like a Muk's butthole but yeah, you're fine. You did much worse to him than what he did to you... God damn it Pearl! What did you have to go and punch him in the face for? Do you even realize how much trouble we're going to be in?"

"He hit me. In the _face_. With a God damn SKATEBOARD! What was I supposed to do? Just sit there and take it? I'm lucky that he hit me with the flat side because if he hit me with the trucks he would have busted my skull open!"

"That doesn't mean you should have broken his nose! He's _eight_. You're _fif__teen_! What were you thinking?"

"Well _EXCUSE ME _for not questioning my morality in the middle of a motherfucking kerfuffle! All I knew was that some punk bitch hit me with a four wheeled transportation plank and that somebody was gonna get fucked up, age be damned!"

"Wha? Four wheeled transportation- It already has a shorter name, why the _fuck_ would you- Augh! I give up!" I grunted in exasperation. I rubbed my temples; I was getting yet another headache. It seemed like my whole life was turning into one big headache these days. "There's no point in arguing with each other, we're screwed one way or the other..." Mom was probably already mad at me for not getting rid of the Bidoof. I didn't even want to think about what she would do when she found out about this debacle. I would straight up slash my wrists with nary a self preserving thought if she took the computer away from me again.

"What's all this we business? I didn't see _you_ punching any suckas in the face."

"Are you kidding? Preston just tried to pull that kid's ear off for Christ's sake. I'm complicit in your bullshit whether I want to be or not. _As usual_..."

"Have I told you how much I love that Murkrow of yours? He's got swagger for days. Like literally a month's worth of swag."

"If you like him so much then you can keep him. I'll trade you."

"Let's not get carried away here. Preston's cool and everything but Stars is my main mon, man. Oh! Speak of the devil!" he said as his Staravia suddenly swooped down from the sky and gently alighted on his shoulder. "Who's a good boy? You are!" he said, ruffling his Pokemon's feathers. "Who's the raddest Staravia in all the land? You are! Who slapped the type two diabetes out of Corpulent Craig? You did!" Rolling my eyes, I turned around to scan the skies for any sign of Preston. As if on cue, Preston circled down to me and greeted me by spitting a clump of red hair in my face. Naturally, Pearl got a kick out of that and doubled over with laughter. "A year's worth of swag!"

"My offer still stands..." I said, peeling the hair ball off my face in disgust. "I'll even throw in one of my mom's cupcakes."

"And break up such a loving relationship? That'd just be heartless," he said, still giggling in bursts in between words. "Anyway, don't worry about getting in trouble with your mom just yet. This whole thing's gonna be an afterthought compared to the trouble we're gonna get into tonight," He said, not knowing how truly prophetic those words would be. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"What are you talking about? And what lead based paint are you huffing to make you think that I want to get into _more_ trouble today?"

"Trust me Diamond, this is going to be more than worth whatever punishments our old bitties can dish out."

"That's so fucking reassuring," I said sarcastically. He smirked at me in a way that made me want to punch him and pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket.

"I'm really glad you decided to come out of your hipster Batcave today. I couldn't show you this unless we were completely alone. Check this out brochacho," he said, unfolding the paper and handing it to me.

I scowled. I thought it would be something interesting but it was just some poster with four Insane Clown Posse rejects sticking their tongues out at me and giving me the horns and the finger. The one in the foreground was a squat and burly man with an ugly faux hawk, tattoos going down his arms, and a black and white face paint pattern extending from both sides of his mouth to his ears. To his right was a lanky, teenage boy with huge ear gauges, standard issue emo hair, and more piercings than face. To Faux Hawk's left was a blonde haired woman whose smoker's teeth and prominent muffin top worked against the 'sexy harlequin' look she was going for.

I ended up staring at the fourth one a lot longer than the others because of how truly terrifying he looked. He glowered in the background of the picture and stood with his arms crossed, cutting an imposing figure over the others. He had the most dramatic and striking body mods out of any of them: black corneal tattoos, two subdermal implants stretching to the back of his head to give the impression that he had inhuman bone ridges growing under his skin, and, last but not least, he had an intricate combination of tattoos and scarifications that coalesced into blood soaked fangs that stretched over his lips and cheeks and went as far back as his ears. I suddenly felt smaller, as if he was staring down at me even though it was quite the opposite. I gave the poster back to Pearl. Looking at it was starting to make me nauseous and uncomfortable.

"This one," he said, pointing to the big guy with the faux hawk. "calls himself Commander O'Boogie-"

"What the absolute fuck?"

"Oh it gets better from there. This guy," he said, pointing to the emo looking kid. "goes by the name of B0nes, spelled with a mandatory zero, AKA Mr. Skull n' B0nes AKA Mr. Cherry P0pper AKA Mr. N0 0ne Understands Me AKA Mr. Thugular Dystr0phy AKA Mr. I Slurps The Peri0d 0ut Y0 C00chie-"

"Okay, you had to have made that last one up. No one is this much of an asshole."

"Hehehe, that isn't even the worst one. He's got like thirty more nicknames but we don't have all fucking day so I'll skip them. This lovely lady," he said, pointing to the the harlequin street walker. "goes by the name of Bloody Mary AKA Voodoo Va-jay-jay AKA Lady Succubitch-

"No! No more nicknames!"

"Chill, that was the last one! Anyway, you'll be glad to know that this happy guy in the back only goes by one name. Unfortunately, I don't know it though. I don't think anyone does really..."

"Whatever... So do you mind explaining why I should care about any of these freaks?"

"These freaks, my friend, are four of the top tier General Bad Asses of the Othersiders." I took the poster back from him and looked it over again.

"... Sandgem Town's afraid of _these_ guys? The scary one I can believe but the others look so- they look like a bunch of-

"Dumb asses?" he said, finishing my sentence.

"Exactly. Anyway, what do they have to do with us? You aren't planning on joining them, are you?"

"Hell no, I don't want to wear their shitty face paint. The ladies would riot in the streets if they couldn't see my rugged, swagged out visage anymore. Anyway, word on the street is that it's B0nes' birthday today and they're celebrating it by throwing this huge party down by the lake tonight. Anybody's who's anybody is going and since we're the anybodiest anybodies that ever dared to be anybody, I thought it was only natural that we go too. This party's going to be so sick dude. There's going to be so much free beer and hot girls in bikinis and- What? Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked, finally realizing that I had been looking at him as if he was crazy the whole time.

"I'm struggling to figure out why you or anyone else would want to go to this shit. Doesn't anyone see what could go wrong with going to a party run by people who take orders from a God damn _serial killer_?" He waved his hand dismissively.

"Don't believe the hype dude. All that stuff about their leader is just rumors and hearsay. You think a serial killer would run around with a grown ass man that calls himself Commander O'Boogie? No way man. Even serial killers must have some fucking standards. Besides, word on the other street says that their leader and the rest of their gang aren't even showing up to this party."

"Don't you think that's weird though? One of these 'General Bad Asses' is throwing a huge party and they don't even invite their leader or other gang members?"

"I know it's weird but no one really gives a shit at this point. The less of them, the better, right?"

"I guess so..."

"Anyway, this is a big deal for us Twinleafers. For better or for worse, the Others are the most interesting thing going on in this dinky little province of ours. A lot of people are hoping to get on their good sides tonight. Show them that Twinleaf Town _slides with the other side_, you know what I mean? I personally don't give a shit about all that though. I'm in this for the tournament."

"What tourna-"

"I'll tell you!" he said, his eyes practically lighting up. He did a hyperactive little dance and said, "During the party they're going to throw this small one-on-one Pokemon battling tournament. But there's a twist. The battles aren't over until you beat the other Pokemon... _and their trainer_! If you beat the other Pokemon but get your ass kicked by the other trainer (or vice versa) it's considered a tie and you have go to a random tie breaker. I'm hoping that it'll turn out to be freestyle rap, I've been practicing. I can't fucking wait! This is my big chance to show everybody that I'm the best trainer in Twinleaf Town, once and for all!" he said, punching at an imaginary opponent. I rolled my eyes. If he wanted to get his face smashed in that was his own business. I saw no point in trying to talk him out of it, there was just no deterring him when he gets that excited about something.

"I'll never understand why that's so important to you. It's not even a real title. Being the best trainer around here is as easy as beating a thalidomide in a thumb war..."

"Says you."

"Says everybody forever. Anyway, I'd love to go to this party with you Pearl but I'll be too busy doing literally anything else," I said, turning to leave.

"What? You have to go dude! I can't go alone!"

"Come on dude, you know I hate big parties like that. If I wanted to be bored for five hours I would stay at home where there's air conditioning, Mom's home cooking, music that _I_ want to listen to, and no sweaty douche bags grinding up on my business."

"What the hell are you gonna do at home, huh? Write for that stupid blog some more? You've been doing that all week! No one even reads that shit and you know it!"

"That's not true! I'm up to twelve followers now! _I'm_ _trending_!"

"You have such a raging hard on for your computer, it's sad and ridiculous. Why would you want to spend another lonely, mammary-free night at home, writing for a blog that no one reads-

"Fuck you! I'm not lonely and my blog-

"-making out with your computer's saliva swapper widget-"

"That's not even a real thing you piece of-"

"-eating Dicks Ahoy brand chocolate chip cookies-"

"There's no such brand-"

"-getting menaced by your drug addict Murkrow-"

"You know he's not on drugs you obtuse fuck, he just has a problem with mail and sponges-"

"-and being a limp dick, pansy bitch, mama's boy when you could be hanging out with your rad as hell best friend at this totally bitching party? What do you say?"

"Wow! All this verbal abuse is really making me want to go to this party now! You're not being an unreasonable dickhead to me or anything! I _like_ it when you talk over me!"

"I'm glad you see it my way- Oh. You're doing the sarcasm thing. Shit, now you're mad at me. Okay, okay man, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me, okay? Hug it out?" he asked hopefully, lifting his arms while I crossed mine.

"It's far too late to hug it out now. I am befittingly pissed at you now."

"Well be de-fittingly pissed at me then!"

"No! Fuck you, fuck the party, fuck the Othersiders, and fuck you again, I'm going home! ...And fuck you too!" I said, pointing at All Star for no particular reason besides venting out some more frustration. As if on cue, a jagged stone cut through the air next to my head, missing my ear by a fraction of an inch, and hit All Star squarely in the chest. Not knowing what hit him, the Staravia tumbled off of Pearl's shoulder and unceremoniously fell to the ground unconscious. We made stupid faces at each other for a few seconds, neither of us registering what had happened just yet. I looked down at my hand in disbelief. "Am I... a warlock?"

"GET DOWN!" Pearl shouted. Without warning, he shoved me to the ground and made me fall flat on my ass without any dignity. He quickly lowered his head and buried it in his arms, just in time to block a second stone that had been aimed for the back of my head. The force of the attack was enough to make him fly off his feet and hit the ground six feet away from where he was originally standing. He propped himself on one elbow and let out an audible growl as he glared past me at the assailant. "_Motherfuckers_..." he spat, getting a chorus of buffoonish giggles in return.

I stood up and turned around to face our attackers. A dozen older boys had surrounded us in a wide half circle, effectively blocking our path back to town. A Geodude was floating in the center of them, nonchalantly juggling several more stones. Directly behind the Geodude was it's trainer, a tall, muscular boy with a haughty face and perfectly parted brown hair. I immediately recognized him as Dylan Fritz. Eugene's older brother and resident King Douche Bag of Twinleaf Town. He stood with his arms crossed and his chin raised, similarly to how Pearl was sneering at Eugene before, with the red headed boy and his little brother clinging to his legs. The way Eugene smirked at us made me wish that Pearl broke his nose instead...

"I heard you guys have been messing with my little brother and his friends," Dylan said in an infuriatingly snide drawl. "Why am I not surprised? A couple of poor, fatherless losers like you two, lashing out at your _betters_ is just in your nature. But bullying little kids? That's low even for _you_."

"_BULLYING_?" Pearl roared in wild disbelief. He picked himself up from the ground and made an attempt to storm over to Dylan. However, the Geodude quickly preempted him by tossing another stone at his feet. Not wanting to get hit again, Pearl backed off but still didn't break eye contact with Dylan. "You're the fucking bullies!" he said, pointing an accusatory finger at him. I cringed; that last attack had left his arms bruised, bloody, and swollen but that didn't deter Pearl in the slightest. "I fucking hate you Fritz kids, always hiding behind sneak attacks and your fake friends! If you had any balls at all you'd fight me one-on-one, right here, right now like a real man!"

"Check this out fellas, this fag's worried about my balls," Dylan said to raucous laughter from the peanut gallery. "Get over yourself kid, I don't need to prove anything to an uppity shit head like you. I'm saving the 'manly' one-on-one stuff for the tournament tonight. So until then... Stone Edge!" The Geodude pulled two large stones from deep inside its mouth (don't even ask me how that works... just don't). It crushed the rocks in it's grip, shattering them into hundreds of free floating shards. It thrust its hands out and sent the shards racing towards us in two streams as fast as machine gun fire.

Pearl ran left and I ran right, each of us trying to dodge our own barrage of deadly rock shards. Adrenaline kicked in instantly and I found myself running faster than I thought was possible for me. I ran in the most erratic and serpentine directions - anything to throw off the Geodude's concentration - but it was no use. The stream followed me like it had a mind of it's own. Over the ubiquitous whizzing of the shards slicing through the air, I could hear Dylan and his friends laughing and taunting at us.

"Don't let them get away Geodude!"

"They can't run forever!"

"Look at 'em squirm!"

"I exist!"

"Diamond! The tree! Go to the tree!" I heard Pearl scream over all the noise. I frantically whipped my head around trying to figure out what he meant. We were in a wide open field, there wasn't a tree in sight. What could he have possibly- And that's when I saw it. On my far right, fifty yards away, was a lone oak tree standing proud and tall over the grass line. With no other options, I abruptly changed directions and ran for the tree like a bat out of hell. Pearl, who was already much closer to it than I was, was able to dive behind the tree to safety, his shards ricocheting off the tree's thick bark.

Dylan growled and yelled, "Forget him! Go after the other one!" With a flick of its wrist, the Geodude redirected Pearl's stream towards me. I was trapped with one stream baring down on me from behind and one coming towards me from the front. I stopped dead in my tracks, lowered my head and wrapped my arms around it. No point in delaying the inevitable. You know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes in times like this? Well it happened to me.

I came to the conclusion that my life sucked.

"Krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow krow!" Preston, who I had forgotten about in all the commotion, flew over my head at the last minute and unleashed a Whirlwind attack that sent all of the stones flying in every direction but mine. I stared at him with my mouth agape for a moment. I didn't even think he _knew_ any attacks. I always just assumed that he was too stupid to learn any moves.

"Preston, you beautiful son of a bitch!" I said gratefully, patting him on the head as he alighted on my shoulder. He immediately spat another hair ball in my face but I tried not to let that dull my appreciation for him at that moment. Using Dylan and his merry band of assholes' wide-eyed, open-mouthed bewilderment to my advantage, I literally skipped the rest of the way and took shelter behind the tree, giving them the finger the whole while.

Dylan didn't like that one bit. With globs of spit flying from his mouth, he screamed, "STONE EDGE AGAIN!" The Geodude resumed it's attack with renewed vigor. The rock bullets pounded away at the bark like a jackhammer. I didn't realize until later that he could have just ordered his Geodude to make the Stone Edge go _around_ the tree instead of through it but he seemed to have forgotten that in his rage. Not that I'm complaining.

"Hey. How's it going?" Pearl said casually, as if he had somehow forgotten that we were in mortal peril.

"Well, aside from having some crazy douche bag trying to kill me right now, I'm fucking _peachy_."

"Cool." He took a poke ball out of his pocket and enlarged it. He stuck his arm out from behind the tree and returned All Star back to the ball. "Woo! If I left without this guy I would never forgive myself." He stuck his head out but quickly pulled it back in when some stones came flying toward his head. "Don't worry about a thing dude. I've got a plan to get us out of this. I'm going to distract them and while they're chasing after me you go back to town. I can run circles around these doofuses so it should be no problem. But before I go I need you to promise me something."

"What?"

"Promise me you'll go to the party later!"

"Why the FUCK are you still on this? We kind of have bigger problems right now!"

"Hey!" he said, shoving a bloody forearm in front of my face. "I saved your God damn life a minute ago and I'm about to do it again! I think that's worth going to one stupid fucking party with me!"

"Augh! Fine, just get that nasty shit out of my face!"

"Righteous. Let's get this show on the road," he said, taking off his shirt.

"Umm... What are you doing?"

"Saving our skins! Think fast douche bags!" He tossed the shirt out into the open where it was immediately torn to ribbons by the Geodude's Stone Edge. While the Geodude was distracted, Pearl leapt out from the opposite side of the tree and ran towards the center of the semicircle at breakneck speed. Before it or anyone else could stop him, Pearl used the Geodude's face as a literal stepping stone and did a front flip over Dylan and Eugene's stupid, flabbergasted faces like a motherfucking Olympic gymnast.

SWAG.

"Catch me if you can mothersucklers!" Pearl taunted, cackling like a mad man as he got a huge head start on them. Dylan and his circle of numbskulls took the bait and chased after him into the distant treeline and deep into the woods. I stepped out from behind the tree as soon as the coast was clear and shook my head in exasperation.

"All I wanted to do today was de-doof the fucking house... Come on Preston. Looks like we have a party to get ready for..." I sighed as I slowly and irritably trudged my way back to town.

* * *

Author's Note

Two chapters down, an indeterminate amount more to go! I would like to thank everyone who left reviews on the last chapter, they were all very encouraging. I was surprised that most, if not all of you, were people who had read the first Diamond Fists. I didn't think that any of you would be willing to put up with my bullshit again and that means a lot to me. On an unrelated note, I caught that Homestuck reference Rotciv. You've officially won everything forever, hehe.

Anyway, this is the second time I'm posting this chapter. I took it down the first time to fix some grammar mistakes, make changes to a few lines, and change faux hawk's name from the stupid and ridiculous 'Motherfucker Jones' to the equally stupid and ridiculous 'Commander O'Boogie'. I didn't realize until after I put the chapter up that Motherfucker Jones was also the name of a character from the movie Horrible Bosses (and here I thought I was being original :P). I was going to leave it alone at first but I didn't want anyone whining to me about it later on so I changed it. The chapter only had three hits by the time I took it down anyway so there wasn't much harm done, I suppose. To the three people who read this chapter's first iteration: Stop jonesin' for that motherfucker and just boogie already. I command it.

Cheers people!


	3. The Unseen Eye

North of Twinleaf Town, past Route 201, beyond the pristine, shimmering waters of Lake Verity, there stood a dense, overgrown forest that the Sandgem and Twinleaf Town natives called "No One's Land". The legends surrounding this place were numerous and changed depending on who you asked. Some would say that the forest was haunted by unholy spirits that took delight in leading young travelers to their graves. Others would say that it was inhabited by monstrous, bloodthirsty, never before seen pokemon that held no love for humans in their hearts. Most would say, "Get out of my way, I'm trying to go to work!". In any case, the forest had a certain mojo about it that invited fear and superstition and it wasn't hard to see why. The trees grew tall and claustrophobically close together with thick canopies that left the forest floor in near perpetual darkness even on bright summer days. The forest was a natural labyrinth and, regardless of whether you believed the legends or not, most people instinctively knew to stay away from this place.

Dawn wasn't like most people.

High above the treetops, in an ancient tree that dwarfed its neighbors, a lone girl with dark hair and wearing camouflage fatigues scanned over the area through a pair of binoculars. Above her, a Pachirisu with a tiny satellite dish strapped to its forehead scurried across the branches too thin to support his trainer's weight. While Dawn looked with her eyes, her Pachirisu looked with its ears. Now and then it would pick up on a distant sound, drop down to Dawn's shoulder, and point her in the right direction, chittering with anxiety all the while. Most of the time it was just flock of Starly taking flight or a cranky Zubat waking from its slumber. Sometimes they would be lucky enough to spot a pair of Staraptor dueling over territory or a Vespiquen and her Combee attendants fussing over their vast, golden hive palaces. Normally, Dawn would have jumped at the chance to study a Staraptor or a Vespiquen in the wild but today they went ignored. Today, Dawn only had eyes for one... _unique_ Chatot.

She checked her Poketch and sighed. Five in the afternoon. Twelve hours in that damn tree. Three days in that God forsaken forest with nothing to show for it. With quivering, fatigued legs, she gingerly inched back towards the tree's trunk before slumping down and taking a seat across the branch. She leaned her head against the trunk, closed her eyes, and let the breeze brush over her face and neck. When that wasn't enough to cool her down she rolled up her sleeves and undid the buttons of her shirt, revealing a padded vest over a sweat drenched tank top.

"Tesla," she rasped, fully realizing how dry her throat was. "Come. Water break..." The Pachirisu gave a relieved squeak in reply, dropped down from the higher branches, and landed next to her so lightly that the branch almost didn't shake at all. As Tesla made himself comfortable in her lap, Dawn unhooked a canteen from her belt and frowned once she realized that there was only enough for one of them. Tesla gave her an apprehensive look but she gave him a reassuring smile in return. "Here. You need it more than I do," she said, holding the canteen to his lips. He tried to push it away but Dawn was persistent. She slid her arm under the Pachirisu and, like a mother cradling her baby, she pressed the mouth of the canteen to her pokemon's lips like a baby's bottle. "I'll be fine, just drink. Don't worry about me..." she cooed. Reluctantly, Tesla took the canteen from her and began to drink.

She closed her eyes and rested her head against the tree again. For a moment, she ruminated on the thought of quickly heading back to the campsite for more water. All she needed to do was have Rosalind, her Kirlia, teleport her there and back, it would only take a minute or two... "No way", she thought. A minute was all Jack needed to slip through her fingers again. She could not, _would not_ sit idly by and let that monster and his gang do as they pleased... She snapped back to reality as the walkie-talkie in her pocket crackled to life and broke the silence with the sounds of audio static.

"What up, what up?" a man's voice said over the static. "Tequila Mockingbird to Buttery Nipples, come in Butter Nips." Dawn pursed her lips. How many times had she told him that they weren't going to use any stupid code names?

"I'm here, what do want Alex?" She said curtly, putting the walkie-talkie to her ear.

"Sorry, no Alex here, little lady. You must have mistaken me for someone else. You have the pleasure of speaking to the one and only Tequila Mockingbird, bounty hunter extraordinaire, connoisseur of callipygian delights, kick ass drummer, and all around cool guy. Mind getting off the line? I need to talk to that lame ass partner slash boss of mine. Can you believe she goes around calling herself Buttery Nipples? Is this bitch trippin' or what?"

"My apologies, Mr. Bird. I don't know anyone by the name of 'Buttery Nipples' but my heart goes out to her. I, too, know how it feels to be given an awful codename against my will by my partner slash pet manchild. If you see Alex could you tell him to stop wasting my fucking time before I find him myself and rip out every hair in that gross, unattractive mustache of his?"

"Whoa, whoa, **whoa**. You did _not_ just diss the stache."

"I did and I'll do it again. Your mustache is gross and makes you look like a sex offender. Every time you look at me I can feel it undressing me with its bristles."

"Why you gotta take it there, bro? You never see me making fun of your boobs or anything."

"What's wrong with my- Forget it, I don't care." She slid her arm out from under Tesla and rested her chin in her hand. "Alex, could you please just say what you need to say already? I'm really not in the mood for this right now..."

"Oh, I can tell. You sound horrible. Head back to the tent and get some water already, your voice sounds like you've been deepthroating a Graveler. I just wanted to tell you that I just saw a blonde kid with no shirt on get chased into the forest by like twelve other kids. I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure they're either going to beat the crap out of him or he's leading them on some homoerotic truffle hunt. Hard to tell. Either way, this is bad for us. If they run into Jack before we do they'll ruin our plan... Oh and they'll get killed on the spot. That too. I'm going to leave my post for a bit and try to scare them out, 'kay?

"Do you need me to come over there and help out?"

"No, no, no, you should head back to the tent and let me handle this. I'm much closer anyway."

"But what if you actually run into Jack? You'll need my help to-

"Dawn, stop worrying about other people for once in your life and take a break. You're running yourself ragged and it's not good for you or your pokemon. I ran into that Altaria of yours a couple of hours ago and-

"Where is she now? Do you think she was close to finding the Chatot?" she asked, not realizing how eager she sounded until after she already said it.

"Even if she was it doesn't matter now. I took her back to the tent to get some sleep." Dawn started to say something in protest but Alex interjected, "I had to, Dawn. The poor thing could barely get herself off the ground. What if I wasn't around and she collapsed out there in the forest, huh? If a wild pokemon had gotten to her she'd be dead right now." Dawn's heart dropped. The thought of Marie or any of her pokemon dying alone out there in the forest because of her made her want to break down. Tesla, who had finished drinking quite some time ago, sensed her sadness and climbed up to her shoulder to nuzzle her cheek. She gave him a halfhearted smile and scratched him behind the ears.

"_Take a break, Dawn,_" Alex insisted after a lengthy pause. "I know you're determined to catch this guy but you'll be no use to anyone if you keep wearing yourself out like this. Besides, that sister of yours must be lonely as fuck by now. I bet she'll be glad to know you're not dead, don't you think?" Another pang of guilt stabbed through her heart. She was ashamed to admit that she hadn't thought much about Casey since she left the tent that morning.

She sighed and said, "Fine. You're right, Alex."

"Damn skippy I'm right."

"Don't let it go to your head. I know I should go back soon... But I can't leave just yet. I want to-"

"Jesus titty-fucking Christ, did you not hear a word I said? Am I talking to myself right now?"

"Let me finish! I was just going to say that I want to listen in on the three stooges for a little bit before I go."

"That's a good idea actually. I haven't tuned into those douche bags for a while, maybe they'll actually have something useful to say for once... But when you're done will you _please _go back to the tent?"

"I will, I promise."

"...Pinky promise?"

"How do you expect me to pinky promise when we're so far away from each other?"

"Use your imagination."

"Fine, I'm imagining us locking digits as we speak."

"And I'm doing the same. Never before has there been a stronger imaginary union in the history of things that did not happen. So sacred and binding was this fictitious extremity hooking that an apocryphal god descended from the dubiously real heavens, shook counterfeit beard dander down upon our holy finger contract, and said 'This shit be the tit's meow.'"

"...You done?"

"Pretty much."

"Good. Later, dickhead."

"Deuces, bitch. Tequila Mockingbird out," he said before one last burst of audio static followed by silence punctuated by the sounds of the the forest. Dawn smirked; She would never admit it to his face but she was glad that she had someone looking out for her for a change, even if it was a pedo stached douche like him. Cautiously, she got back to her feet and looked up, her eyes searching for the particular branch that would give her the best reception.

"There," she said, pointing to a skinny branch that stretched far beyond all the others like a pointer finger. Tesla climbed up her arm, leapt from the back of her hand to the nearest branch, and lithely scampered and bounded his way up the tree like he was the world's most adorable parkourist. When he reached the very tip of the right branch, he shook his fur out to produce some sparks, just enough to make the mini satellite dish strapped to his head hum with life. Down below, Dawn fiddled with a dial on her walkie-talkie, flipping through static and foreign language radio channels until she could hear the nasally, distinctly irritating voice of B0nes.

"... and it's only been, like, five minutes since I stepped in the joint and I already have, like, five bitches running up to me trying to slob on my knob! _Five_! Count 'em- One, two, four, five! You were so right, Boogs- It's so easy to bag these Twinleaf sluts!" he said, eliciting loud, obnoxious cackling from Commander O'Boogie himself.

"I told you, bitch, I told you! Why would you ever doubt me, motherfucker? You know I always be dropping that pure motherfucking science, yo! I _told_ you that small town bitches are always down to fuck!"

"You spit that bomb ass veracity, homie. Your word is motherfucking gospel, second only to the Master himself."

"Church, li'l homie. Mother. Fucking. Church!"

"Oh my God. Will you two ignunt low lifes _please_ shut the fuck up?" snapped the raspy voice of Bloody Mary, unknowingly voicing what Dawn was thinking. With worse diction, of course.

"Who the fuck you think you talking to?" B0nes said, offended.

"Let me think, I don't see nobody else around so it must be you two useless pieces. Shut the fuck up, quit dickin' around, and help me set this place up already."

"I'll give_ you_ a good dickin', you stupid- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, hold the fuck up! That shit you're unpacking. Is that the cheap shit I _spifically _told you not to get?"

"So what if it is?" B0nes let out a roar that was followed by the sound of shattering glass. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"I FUCKING TOLD YOU NOT TO GET THE CHEAP SHIT! YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A RETARD IN FRONT OF EVERY SCRUB IN TWINLEAF TOWN, YOU STUPID BITCH!" he bellowed, his voice cracking.

"WHO FUCKING CARES?! This isn't about you, you fucking idiot! This party is just a front, remember? You think Master gives an _inch_ of a fuck about how cheap the booze is? Quit acting like a brat and- FUCKING STOP!" she shrieked as B0nes broke even more bottles. Grunting, screaming, creative cursing, the sound of skin striking skin- a fight had broken out between the two. "Let go... let go..." Bloody Mary croaked, her voice slowly growing quieter yet raspier than ever.

"B0nes, you're fucking choke her, yo! Let go of her, let go of her, damn it!"

"SHE FUCKING DESERVES IT, THE FAT BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU STUPID-"

"_Enough,_" a deep, gravelly, fourth voice growled. The Mad Dog. The other three quieted down so quickly that Dawn thought that she lost reception for a second. The silence was broken by slow, heavy footsteps that reminded Dawn of Darwin, her Torterra's.

"Oh, uh, hey there Ma- fuck, I mean, uh, sir," O'Boogie stammered meekly, his characteristic bravado currently cowering under a rock somewhere. "This isn't what it looks like- you see, we were just-"

"_Silence_," The fourth voice said with grave emphasis. He took in a deep breath and said, "There is work to be done. Master has informed me that there are intruders in the forest. The girl, the bounty hunter, and thirteen unknowns. The girl is listening to us as we speak-"

"Shit!" Dawn exclaimed, quickly shutting the device off. She had no idea how they knew she listening in on them but what she _did _know was that she needed to get out of there as fast as she could. Just as she was about to unhook Rosalind's pokeball of her belt, Tesla let out a horrified screech that made her jump and almost lose her balance. She spun around on the spot, the branch swaying unsteadily underneath her, and looked up to find Jack's herald, the Chatot with pupilless, obsidian black eyes, perched on Tesla's branch, its soulless eyes fixed on hers.

"_So easy. So predictable_," it said in Jack's distorted, guttural snarl. Dawn's blood ran cold. She didn't just hear the words, she felt them in her head. The words echoed endlessly in her mind, growing louder and louder, faster and faster, pushing out all other thoughts. The words took shape in her mind: a grizzled, skeletal hand that crushed her skull in its grip. She pulled at her hair and clenched clenched her eyes shut. It was taking every ounce of willpower she had not to scream or fall to her knees but she knew that she had to fight back. Jack had done much worse to her than this before- She wasn't about to lose to his little pet.

Squinting, she yelled, "Super Fang!", barely hearing herself over the noise in her brain. Tesla leapt at the Chatot, his large buck teeth bared, only to go arcing through empty space. Dawn let out a horrified gasp as her pokemon sailed over the branch but Tesla, luckily, was able to wrap his tail around it at the last second. Hanging upside down, the Pachirisu let out a sigh of relief.

"_Meaningless_..." The Chatot whispered from nowhere, making a second wave of pain and confusion course through Dawn's skull. Dawn's eyes darted all around her for any sign of the bird. Sometimes she would find it above her, the next second below her. She would blink and find multiple identical Chatot sitting side by side on the same branch, she would blink again to find dozens, hundreds, _thousands_ of them glaring at her from every direction, and blink again to find them all gone as if they were never there to begin with. Shadows danced around her without anything to guide them. Night and day flashed cycled before her eyes, the sun and the moon racing across the sky in nauseating, hyper accelerated arcs, as if the whole world was put on fast forward. She was at the top of a tree yet she felt as if she was trapped at the bottom of a pit, being accosted from all sides by faceless tormenters. Between the illusions and the babbling in Dawn's head, the Chatot was doing its best to make her go mad, to defeat her without even touching her, just like its master. And it was working. Dawn swayed on the spot, barely able to keep her balance or think straight anymore. Her eyes watering from the pain, she clenched them shut and tried to block out the world out until she suddenly felt a small weight land on her shoulder.

Already knowing what it was, she opened her eyes to find the Chatot perched on her shoulder, staring blankly at her face with its huge, black, insectile eyes. There was a brief moment of calm as the two stared directly into each other's eyes until the Chatot tossed its head back, threw its beak open unnaturally widely, and revealed a human eyeball that pulsed and swiveled in the back of its throat. Despite herself, Dawn screamed and instinctively staggered backwards over the side of the branch. Quickly realizing her mistake, she lurched forward as she fell and thrashed her arms out in front of her. She managed to awkwardly and painfully catch the branch with the crook of her elbow but it was a wasted effort. The branch snapped out from underneath her and sent her arm spinning behind her, useless and broken.

She would have screamed if weren't for the wind whipping at her from all sides and pushing every last bit of air out of her lungs. With her face to the sky and her back to the ground, she craned her neck back to look up- or down as the case was- to see the verdant expanse of No One's Land racing towards her. She wouldn't have to worry about hitting the ground. If she hit any of those thick, knife-edged branches, she'd be dead before she even got there. Assuming she even made it there at all. Fighting gravity, she fumbled blindly for Rosalind's pokeball with her good arm. Once she was sure she had the right one, she wrenched her arm upwards, ripping the ball and the hook that held it in place completely off. She wasted no time in beating the pokeball against her chest, releasing the light locked within. Before the Kirlia had even fully materialized, she shot her other hand into the shimmering ether before her and shouted, "Teleport!", against the roar of the wind.

For one fleeting moment the whole world stopped completely. All of Dawn's pain was gone along with every other sensation. She couldn't see anything, she couldn't hear anything, and she couldn't feel anything, not even the weight of her own body. For that one moment, she basked in what it felt like to not feel, to feel truly numb, truly weightless... which made it all the more painful when she hit the ground with as much grace and subtlety as a lead weight. The padded vest she wore absorbed most of the impact but that neither stopped the wind getting knocked out of her nor the ripples of pain that coursed through her. Weakly, she rolled onto her side and curled into a fetal position. She laid there for about a minute, taking deep breaths and trying to get her thoughts back together.

Opening one eye, she found Rosalind brushing dirt off her weird built-in skirt a few feet away from her. "Rosie," Dawn called. "Jack found us... andTesla's still back there. Go back and bring him here before something happens." The Kirlia nodded knowingly, pirouetted on the spot, and vanished mid-twirl.

"Is that you, Dawn? Are you okay?" she heard vaguely over her shoulder. She didn't respond but she knew right away that the voice belonged to her little sister, Casey. She heard some movement behind her and felt a gentle hand touch her shoulder. Dawn squinted her eyes open to find Casey's staring back at her, a look of anxiety and concern etched on her sickly thin face. While Dawn's face was tanned from spending too many hours out in the sun, Casey's was as pallor white as a cloud or a sheet of paper. For some reason, the short shorts and yellow floral print T-shirt she wore were dripping with mud.

"Why are you all muddy?" Dawn asked inanely, not quite sure why she cared at that particular moment.

"Why are _you _all jacked up?" Casey countered, helping her sister sit up a straight. Dawn took in her surroundings. They were in a small, circular glade that was naturally fenced in by the surrounding trees. The canopy above them was thinner there than in the rest of the forest and cast the ground below with subdued golden light and long jagged shadows. Behind her, an orange tent and a small campfire stood in the center of the glade. "Come on Dawn, tell me what happened!" Casey said, growing impatient.

"The Chatot showed up out of nowhere, scared the crap out of me, and made me fall out of a tree like a gigantic, fucking loser. That's what," Dawn said bitterly. Out of all the defeats she had suffered at the hands of Jack and his Chatot, of which there were many, this had to be the most embarrassing. Casey's eyes grew to the size of hubcaps.

"You fell out of a tree?! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Should I get band-aids? Is this a problem that can be fixed with band-aids?" Casey said frantically, talking a mile a minute. Dawn facepalmed. _Why_ did she have to say anything? She should have just lied and pretended everything was still okay.

"Casey-"

"Quick! How many fingers am I holding up?" She said holding up three fingers way too close to Dawn's face.

"Wha-"

"Oh God, you have brain damage! What do I do? What do I do?! Dawn! How do I cure brain damage?"

"Casey."

"Can you fix it with band-aids? Crap, why am I asking you, you're the one with brain damage!"

"Casey!"

"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh-" Dawn clasped her good hand over her sister's mouth.

"Calm. Your. Tits. I'm _fine_, understand?" She really wasn't. A lancing pain coursed through her other arm from where it hit the branch. She could feel it swelling up around the inside of her elbow and it was getting harder to move it without making her want to scream bloody murder but she wasn't about to roll up her sleeve and make Casey freak out again. She took her hand away and, even though Casey was silent, her brow was still furrowed with worry. Dawn got to her feet and tried her best not to meet Casey's anxious gaze. "Look," she said with a sigh. "Even if I _was_ hurt, I don't have time to waste getting patched up here. I'm going back out there as soon as Rosie-"

"Let me go with you this time, please, please, _please_!" Casey pleaded, tugging on Dawn's sleeve. Dawn just rolled her eyes. Ignoring her, Dawn snatched her arm away and tried to make her way to the tent but Casey ran up in front of her to block her path. "Dawn, _please_! I can help, I swear!"

"Something tells me Jack's not gonna be afraid of an anemic eleven year old who's never trained a pokemon before. That reminds me, did you remember to take your pills today?"

"Yes, mother, I took the damn pills. And for your information, I have trained a pokemon before. I've been training with Professor Rowan's old Monferno and Prinplup while you and Alex have been away and- OW!" She yelped as Dawn gave her a hard pinch on the arm and twisted. "What was that for?" she asked, sniveling.

"How many times have I told you not to mess around with those two? If I can't even get them to behave, what makes you think you can-"

"I've been making progress with them, look!" she said, taking two pokeballs out of her back pocket.

"No, don't!" It was too late; Casey had already tossed the balls in the air, flooding the area with brilliant, white light. Prinplup materialized first and immediately started whimpering and backing away as soon as he laid eyes on the girls. Monferno appeared second and, just as Dawn feared (and expected), took one look at Prinplup, let out a ferocious battle cry, and wasted no time in lunging at him. They wrestled on the ground for a bit before the Monferno, predictably, came out on top and started beating the ever living shit out of the Prinplup, cruelly punching, kicking, and biting at every inch of the other pokemon it could. Prinplup squirmed futilely under the onslaught of blows, crying and screaming pathetically all the while.

"Okay, I haven't actually been training them "well", per se, but I really do think I'm on the verge of a breakthrough with them. Almost. Maybe. Um... I can handle this, okay? Just let me-"

"This is so stupid. Give me the damn pokeballs," Dawn said, trying to wrench them out of Casey's hands. Casey resisted and, with both of them refusing to let go, they were soon locked into their own much tamer struggle.

"Hop off my nuts! I said I can handle this!"

"No you fucking can't! Let go already, I don't have time for this!"

"No, you let go!"

"I'm literally two seconds away from slapping the shit outta you,_ let go_!"

"No, they're mine!"

"Quit acting like such a baby!"

"Why don't _you_ quit acting like such a cock holster?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. What the sororiciding _fuck _did you just call me?"

"I just heard it from Alex this one time, please don't pinch me again :("

"Casey, if you don't let go right this second, so help me I'm gonna-"

The threat died in Dawn's throat as she heard a loud pop followed by a high-pitched, throaty, hissing noise that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Casey spotted the source of the noise first and let out a bloodcurdling scream. Dawn about-faced to find Rosalind and Tesla struggling on the ground, both of them covered in each other's blood as well their own. Tesla let out the wretched hissing noise again and tried to bite at the Kirlia with a terrifying savagery that Dawn had never seen from the little guy before. It was taking all of Rosalind's strength just to keep him at arm's length. Her face, arms, and chest were covered in dozens of lesions from where Tesla had bit and tore at her with his teeth. Tesla, on the other hand, to Dawn's abject horror, had one, long, red gash that ran all the way from his left shoulder to his right ankle. The cut was perfectly straight and precise; Dawn could tell it was made with a knife just from looking at it.

Rosalind's eyes glowed with fluorescent blue light before she sent Tesla sprawling backwards with a wave of psychic energy that made the air ripple like water. Tesla jerked and writhed on the ground as if his whole body was on fire, squeaking, hissing, and spitting dementedly. Dawn whipped his pokeball off her belt and cried, "Tesla, return!" The red beam of light hit Tesla and wrapped him in its aura like it was supposed to but instead of getting sucked back into the ball, Tesla let out the harshest shriek yet and somehow made the aura burst into a million red shards of light. More berserk than ever, he fired off a wicked Thunderbolt straight for her head.

"Everybody get back!" Dawn barked, just barely ducking under the blast of electricity in time. The bolt came so close that she could already feel the skin on the back of her neck blistering from the heat. Keeping her body low to the ground, she closed the distance between them with long, quick bounds, occasionally having to roll out of the way of an incoming Thunderbolt as she went. Once she was close enough she lunged forward and pinned him to the ground with her forearm. "Easy, easy!" she said desperately as her pokemon thrashed underneath her. "It's me, don't you remember? Snap out of it, you gotta remem- AHH!" she screamed as Tesla plunged his front teeth deeply into her arm. Gritting her teeth, she resisted the overwhelming urge to jerk her arm away and forced herself to keep pinning him down. Moving it made her bad arm blaze with pain but she powered through it and forcefully tapped Tesla's pokeball against his head. The ball sucked him in this time and after, a few tense seconds of volatile shaking, successfully trapped him inside.

She stayed there, kneeling in the grass long after the battle had ended. She tried to make sense of what happened but the more she thought about it, the more surreal it seemed. How had she gone from cradling him in her arms, giving him the last of her water, to trying to stop him from killing her? The new gash in her arm pulsed brutally under her sleeve and made rivulets of blood drip down her hand. Dawn knew she should have been in pain but instead she just felt numb. The fact that he couldn't remember her, the trainer he'd been with since the day he was born, hurt more than all the bite wounds in the world. She slowly got back to her feet and turned around to find Casey and Prinplup staring at her, frozen with apprehension, while Monferno glared at her unblinkingly, business as usual. Rosalind, on the other hand, was sitting cross-legged and enveloping herself in a white light that slowly made her cuts fade away.

"I-I-I've never seen him like that before..." Casey said, breaking the silence. "Is he going to be okay?"

"I don't know but..." She stopped to swallow the lump that had been forming in her throat. "But what I _do _know is that I'm not gonna let Jack keep doing whatever he wants. No one fucks with my pokemon and gets away with it..." If Jack thought this was enough to stop her then he was dead wrong. He could fill her head with as many visions as he wants, he could toss her off a mountain, he could turn every last one of her pokemon against her. She wasn't going to rest until he answered for every last man, woman, child, and pokemon he'd hurt. "You said you wanted to help me, right?"

"Yeah?" Casey said, perking up.

"You still can't come with me but you can start by getting those two back in their balls. After that, go wake up Marie and bring her to me." Casey deflated like a balloon. "Bring the first aid kit while you're at it. I can't fight Jack with both my arms fucked up like this."

"What do you mean _both _arms?"

"I... may or may not have messed the other one up when I fell out of the-

"Ha! I knew you were lying! I _knew_ you were really-

"That's alright Casey, keep gloating. It's not like I'm bleeding out or anything. I'm sure you and my exsanguinated husk will have a lovely time circle jerking over how _right_ you are all the time. Maybe over some fucking tea and crumpets."

"Okay, okay! I'm going already, sheesh!" she said, going about her tasks and grumbling under her breath as she did. Once she was out of earshot, Dawn sat down across from Rosalind, who was too busy Recovering herself to acknowledge her presence.

"You're amazing, you know that?" The Kirlia allowed herself to smile slightly at the compliment. "Thank you for rescuing him despite... all of that. I know you must be tired but I have another important job for you." She waited for Rosalind to finish Recovering so she had her undivided attention. "I need you to stay here to protect Casey. If one of the Others shows up... do whatever it takes to keep her safe. Kill them if you have to. Understand?" Rosalind stared blankly at her face, her eyes hollow and narrowed slightly. After a long pause, she nodded. "Good. If Jack shows up or if the situation is too much for you to handle, grab Casey and teleport out of there as quickly as possible. Even if they don't show up and I'm not back by morning... assume I'm dead and take Casey back to the lab anyway. Whatever you do, don't let her go looking for me. Do everything in your power to keep her in the lab, okay? If Alex shows up within at least one day, do everything he tells you to. He'll know what to do next. If he doesn't show up within a day, assume he's dead too. After that... if both of us are dead..."

She had gone over the plan a thousand times in her head, accounting for every possibility except this one. The thought of leaving Casey alone in the world with no one left to take care of her scared her more than Jack and death combined. She did her best to push the thought out of her head as often as she could but it was always there, looming in the back of her mind, infecting her with uncertainty.

"We won't let it come to that," she said with more confidence than she felt.

"I'm back," Casey said cheerfully as she came out of the tent with a first aid kit under her arm and Marie following dozily behind her. "Sorry it took so long, this one refused to wake up." Yawning, the Altaria sauntered haughtily over to Dawn and rested her head in her lap. Dawn wanted to pet her but her arms were growing more painful and unresponsive by the second.

"Let's get this over with." She stretched her arm out the best she could and, at the expense of filling her mouth with the metallic taste of blood, she pulled her sleeve back with her teeth. One look at the gash was enough to make Casey scream and drop the first aid kit. "Casey! Get your shit together!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" she said as she scrambled to pick up the kit's spilled contents. She looked back and forth between the wound and Dawn's face, looking like she was about to cry. "I-I can't do this. What if I mess up and make everything worse?"

"You won't mess up, just do everything I tell you to and go slow, okay?"

"Okay..." she said, still unconvinced. After several minutes of eye watering pain, Casey having at least three panic attacks, and some creative cursing from Dawn, they were able to do a halfway decent job of cleaning the wound and dressing it with medical gauze. Dawn was certain she was going to open it up again by the end of the night but it didn't matter. Stopping the bleeding was more important for now. With a spare blanket and Dawn's instructions, Casey also made a makeshift sling for her other arm. "How do you feel?" she asked as she finished tying the knot behind Dawn's neck. "Is it too tight? Too loose? Do you think I should do it over again? Are you sure you don't need more bandages? I'll admit, I have no idea what a suppository is but I feel like it would be useful in this situation and-"

"Casey, calm the fuck down. You did great," Dawn said as she got back to her feet. She wiggled her fingers and brandished her arm around to get a feel for it again. She wasn't going to be striking fear in the hearts of her enemies any time soon but beggars can't be choosers. She returned Marie back to her ball and had Casey give her Monferno and Prinplup's. With Tesla and Rosalind effectively out of commission, she needed all the help she could get, even if it came from... those two. Prinplup was a spineless coward that was afraid of his own farts but Dawn hoped that, if presented with enough danger, he would at least _try_ to defend himself. Monferno, on the other hand, was a wild card. Getting him to fight wasn't the problem, he already loved to beat the shit out of anything that moved. The problem was that he hated her so much that would probably start messing with her in the middle of a battle just for kicks. Dickhead. "I'm going to leave Rosie here to look after you while I'm gone, okay?

"... Are you sure that I can't come with you?"

"I'm sure," she said with a slight edge to her voice that showed that she was done talking about this.

"Okay..." she said dejectedly, looking down at her feet. Dawn put her hand on her shoulder.

"There's no shame in not being able to fight. Be glad that you don't have to go through all the crap me and Alex have to go through, okay?" she said sweetly, trying to get her to cheer up. To her dismay, Casey lifted her face to reveal eyes gleaming with tears.

"That's the problem!" she croaked. "I hate that you guys put yourself through hell every day and all I can do is stay at lab or the tent and hope that you actually come back. I want to do something- _anything_- to help you guys but I'm just so fucking useless I-" She was interrupted by Dawn pulling her into a one armed hug.

"It's okay... it's okay..." she cooed as Casey sobbed against her shoulder. Her stomach knotted with guilt. Casey was still just a kid. She didn't deserve any of this. None of them did. "This is the last time you'll have to worry about us, I promise. We're going to beat Jack once and for all and make everything go back to normal," she said, not knowing just how wrong she was. She waited for Casey to finish crying on her own before finally letting go her. She put her hand back on her shoulder, smiled, and said, "Just believe in us, okay?" Still puffy eyed and runny-nosed, Casey reciprocated the smile.

"Okay..." Dawn gave her little sister a kiss on the forehead and stooped down to hug Rosalind before turning her back to them and heading towards the forest. The sun was beginning to sink below the horizon and the forest was growing darker by the second. Once she was a little past the treeline, she stopped to take one last look at them. Neither of them had moved from the spot and they were both gently waving at her. She gave them a thumbs up and gave them a reassuring smile before walking further into the all encompassing darkness of No One's Land.

It was going to be one hell of a night.

* * *

Chapter 3, getto da ze!

So in this chapter, we took a break from Diamond and Pearl's antics to follow a few new characters. Those of you that read the first iteration of Diamond Fists will recognize a few of them, namely Dawn, Alex, and Jack. You also probably noticed that their roles and even their personalities seemed to have taken some drastic changes just like Diamond, Pearl, and Sharon have. I think the biggest reason why I wanted to do this redux was to take the characters that didn't have an important role in the story or ones that I just wrote poorly and try to change them for the better/give them more important roles.

In the first story, **Dawn** was Prof. Rowan's cute granddaughter who was prone to shyness and crying at the drop of a hat. She was mostly there to be the potential love interest, the referee for whatever stupid argument Diamond and Pearl got into, and almost nothing else. Now she's a strong, independent, black woman who don't need no-

Hmm? ... Seriously? Well, I'll be damned. I've just recieved word that Dawn is not black. Oh well, three out of four isn't bad.

Moving right along, we have **Alex**, who in the first story was basically just a goofy pot head that liked to make music sometimes with his good buddy, Alistair. Aside from some comic relief, he didn't really do much. Like, at all. But here he's gotten a significant age-up and is now a bounty hunter for some reason? And he's hanging around Dawn instead of Alistair now? And he's even got a grody pedo stache now? What's all that shit about? I could just tell you but where's the fun in that?

Now onto **Jack**. Ohhhhhh man, this guy. More than any other character, he is the one that I wanted to change the most. Consequently, he's also the character that has gone through the most changes. He basically started out as this useless, one-note joke character that grew into this sort of minor villain/sort of ally/I had no idea what the fuck I was doing BLRAHAAHBLRBHABLRHABLRBLR. He and his talking Chatot, which may or may not have been the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, were basically this hamfisted and woefully awful satire of fundamentalist Christians/people who blindly follow religion. I was a 15 year old in a Catholic high school and I thought I was being SO EDGY, okay? Later on in the story I decided to try fleshing out Jack's character a bit more by giving him a "dark" (and by that I mean utterly fucking ridiculous) backstory that involved him breaking out of the abusive orphanage he lived in. Do they even have orphanages anymore? I don't even know.

Gone are the days of being a piece of shit joke character. Jack has gone from gullible, Christian kid to being the mysterious, unseen leader of the Othersiders, the group of thugs terrorizing Sandgem Town that Dawn has sworn to defeat. He strikes fear in the hearts of both his enemies and his underlings, he seems to always know what's going on around him, and his Chatot, now **The Herald**, has weird teleportation/mindfuck powers. What the heck is this guy's deal, you ask? Patience, friend. We'll find out soon enough. But the real question is: do we really want to know?

And lastly we have **Casey**, who is, in fact, a returning character despite the name change. I consider her to be a spiritual successor to the character of Topaz who, like Jack, was a completely useless character. I decided to change her name because, seriously, fuck that other name with a rusty, iron ladle. See kids? This is why you wait for the 3rd version to come out first before you start throwing random gem names out there. Anyway, I chose the name Casey for pretty arbitrary reasons. I was listening to Bonfire by Childish Gambino while trying to pick a name and the line "Made the beat then murdered it- Casey Anthony," came on and it just clicked for me. Besides their clothes and appearance there aren't many similarities between Casey and original recipe Casey. While Topaz was Pearl's bratty adoptive daughter (don't ask...), Casey is Dawn's high-strung and sensitive little sister. One of the few noteworthy things about Topaz was that she was one of Jack's best friends from the orphanage. Will that connection carry over somehow to this story? Who knows?

Anyway, I've been rambling on for far too long. Until next time, peeps.


End file.
